id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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