a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
