Your mouth is God's brothel.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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