You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
