Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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