you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
