I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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