I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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