If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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