he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
