I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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