dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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