sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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