He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
