What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
