We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
