Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We are all done wearing pants today
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
