She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
