Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
there is puke in my bra ... again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
