Sponge bath it is.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
