I got chris browned last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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