make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
