plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
