i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize