You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's like a pop up book from hell.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
