There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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