His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
