ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
