Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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