walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
