Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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