His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
