I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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