I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
