Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
