just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
