Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
