this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
