we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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