I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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