Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think my mom watched the whole time
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
