I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
