I hate your face
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
