I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
