I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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