be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
