remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i've created a new STD.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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