We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
