I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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