you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You ruined the universe
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