You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
