I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
